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Mischief Makers Episode 12: Rob Falconer

[Upbeat music plays]
Host: Welcome to Mischief Makers, your one stop shop for all things Mischief. Join your host Dave Hearn, as he finds out what makes Mischief... well, Mischief!Dave Hearn: Hello and welcome to another episode of Mischief Makers with me, your host: Dave Hearn. And with me, I have my very good friend and very talented, very multi-talented guy: Mr Rob Falconer. Hello Rob!Rob Falconer: Alright!DH: Yes! Now this is our... I don't know how many attempts we've had at this now!RF: Oh man!DH: We've had a few.RF: It's not gone well this one, has it? In fact, I've just noticed the time - we were meant to be finishing up just about now.DH: Yeah, so we were meant to start at midday and finish at 1.00pm. It's now sort of 12.55 - so we've spent 55 minutes trying to figure out how to make this work! And who knows, it might not! I feel good.RF: It might not. I would say it's worth mentioning at this point that neither of us are sponsored by anyone, but I would like to say that I am 100% not sponsored by TalkTalk internet and I would advise no-one to ever use their products or services.DH: Very good.RF: Sort of an anti-sponsor, if you will!DH: Yeah, yeah. I don't know if there are like licensing implications for that in terms of Mischief...[RF laughs]DH: I don't know if I have to sort of say that we don't endorse that opinion necessarily.RF: Yeah, you've got to at some point say that all opinions are mine and not of Mischief Theatre's.DH: Yeah, yeah. But what if I have an opinion? What if I agree with you?RF: You know fair and square, my friend. When you signed up to Mischief Theatre, you lost the rights to all your opinions.DH: Yeah.RF: Opinions and thoughts are now owned entirely by Mischief Theatre incorporated and Kenny Wax Limited!DH: Yeah.RF: And I think weirdly also by TalkTalk in an ironic twist of fate.DH: Yeah, because they're providing you the capacity to voice your opinion![Both laugh]RF: A very limited capacity!DH: Yeah, I'm quite tense throughout this interview because I'm like... is it just going to cut out? Who knows!RF: I really want to hear the audio from the last time we tried this, because you'd asked me a question and then you dropped out and I was trying to keep talking until you came back on! Because I knew that we didn't want to lose the recording. So somewhere there's about three minutes of me talking utter nonsense about guinea pigs.DH: [Laughs] That's very good![Both laugh]DH: I'll tell you what, let's begin with the first section - with the Getting to Know You section.RF: Ooooh!DH: Now, I sort of mentioned yesterday that I don't have any technical knowledge - so I don't have any jingles or anything. So can you just like hum me a little Getting to Know You jingle.RF: Uh, yes![RF sings: Getting to KNOW you]RF: How was that?DH: That was really nice. It was higher than I expected! It was really good.RF: Do you know what? That's been my story all the way through my life: higher than I expected!DH: What in terms of like achievement?RF: Oh no, God no! The opposite![Both laugh]RF: I remember getting a school report when I was obviously at school. And my French teacher wrote that, "Rob is like a fruit tree that is growing, but yet to bear fruit..."[DH laughs]RF: And I was like... great! That same French teacher incidentally Mr Harrenden (I really hope he is by some weird twist of fate listening), he got caught doing inappropriate things to himself on trains three times before he was eventually fired from my school.DH: Oh my God! That's really bad.RF: Very different time, very different time.DH: Why on trains?RF: I assume the vibrations, that was always the thing. So we used to follow him round, because the first time he got caught, it was a bit of a rumour. Like you know, when you're at school people make shit up about their teachers that is absolutely not true. But just about ridiculous enough to be like, "No-one could make that up, so maybe it is true".But the second time it was in the paper and everyone sort of knew. So we used to round to lessons going like "Chooo-chooo!" [Makes train noise]DH: Doing train noises at him!RF: And you couldn't get into trouble for it because if he shouted at you, you'd be like, "Sir, you literally got your dick out on a train and started touching yourself. Like how you have still got your job is beyond anyone."DH: That's crazy...RF: Oh and what are the restrictions in terms of saying things like, "Got your dick out on a train"?DH: Well, if there were any - you've just broken them all. So I think we'll just put like an explicit warning on the thing.RF: Good.DH: Also it means that one of the guys that work for JHI, who are our marketing company will be at some point transcribing this...[RF laughs]DH: And so they will have to transcribe that story, which I look forward to immensely![Both laugh - transcriber sighs and changes episode rating from Clean to Explicit]RF: Oh that's made my day! Right, I'm going to make it my mission to say ridiculous things for people to transcribe.DH: Yeah and what I can do - because I don't actually pre-record any intro or anything like that. But what I could do is pre-record an intro being like, "If you have a kid who is maybe 12 and below - maybe Mum and Dad listen to this one before you decide to play it to them!"[RF laughs]DH: But then to be fair, I'd expect nothing less of you. I'd be disappointed.RF: I think it's again something thatt follows me round. I think that something that a lot of people don't know about me is that I'm actually really, really good at public speaking. But I never get the chance to do it, because after about five minutes of anyone speaking to me they go, "No, we're not going to put you in public!"DH: "He;s a good orator but he doesn't..." Is that the word, "orator"?RF: Orator, indeed. From the Latin... "orate"![Both laugh]DH: So you know a bit of Latin, don't you?RF: Yes, my old Latin teacher Mr Killick and I go way back.DH: Again, is this another story about a todger on a train?RF: No, what stories are there of Mr Killick... Oh Mr Killick had a dog that died.DH: Aww.RF: And I can't remember the name of the dog now... but we were in...DH: [Jokes] Was it Mrs Killick?RF: [Imitates] "WHEEEY lads on tour!"DH: We should cut that bit, that's horrible!RF: No, keep it in, keep it in. I love a bit of misog.DH: Yup...[Both laugh]RF: No, he had a dog - and we must have been in like our first or second year. Because I went to a grammar school, so we did it like that. So I must have been 12 or 13, I can't remember ages. And the people in the years above told us that there was this naughty Latin word and if you shouted it out, he got really upset.DH: Right.RF: And so one of the guys in my class shouted the word out when he turned his back. And then he lost his shit and ended the lesson early. And then we found out that actually that was the name of his dog that had just died.DH: Oh no!RF: And we felt really bad.DH: That is upsetting.RF: That's really sad.DH: But you grew up in Teesside, right?RF: I did, I grew up on the sunny North East.DH: And that's not Newcastle?RF: No, it's just a bit south of Newcastle. So I'm from Hartlepool, which is famous for electing their football mascot H'Angus the Monkey as their town mayor.DH: What's H'Angus the monkey?RF: Uhh here we go![DH laughs]RF: So it varies, the telling of this tale - everyone's got their own version of it. But the story that I know is that sometime during the Napoleonic Wars, there was a French shipwreck off the North East coast, which is already a little dodgy because I don't think they ever came... Anyway!There's a goddamn shipwreck and the people of Hartlepool went out and looted the shipwreck. And they brought the crew back and plunder and all that kind of stuff. And one of the things that they brought to shore was the ship's mascot which was a monkey and it was dressed in an admiral's uniform.DH: Oh wow.RF: And so the people of Hartlepool just assumed that it was a Frenchman, for they had never seen a Frenchman nor a monkey.[DH laughs]RF: And when the monkey refused to answer any of their questions, they put the monkey on trial and found it guilty of being a spy and hung it.DH: ...wow! But who spoke in the monkey's defence?RF: I don't think he had much of a defence. I think the problem was that when read his rights, he wasn't able to ask for representation, I assume.DH: I see. But also was the monkey shackled in some way? Because presumably it was like, "I'm getting out of here!"RF: I'm not sat here poking holes in Old Mother Hubbard. Let's just accept the story and move on! [Laughs]DH: That's such a strange thing to have happened.RF: It's mental, it's mental. And there's people (very few people), but there are people who do commit their entire lives to finding out the truth about H'Angus and the monkey and the Frenchman and all that kind of stuff. I've got a friend of mine who went to Teesside uni, and he wrote his entire dissertation on the monkey.DH: Oh wow! Did he discover anything?RF: No, I don't think so! By that time I'd moved away from Hartlepool, so whenever I went back after that to meet any of my mates, we very rarely spoke about what we were doing. We just sort of like got together in one of the old pubs and within an hour, we were too drunk to remember anything! So he might have told me what his dissertation ended up discovering, but...DH: The fruits of it.RF: The fruits... I'm still hurting after the fruits comment from Mr Harrenden!DH: [Laughs] And so you are not a Geordie?RF: I'm not a Geordie.DH: Because I was talking to Bry about this. So Bry is a Geordie and you've got to be quite specific about Northern... where you say people are from.RF: Yeah, I think everywhere has those little rivalries. Like if you meet someone from Hartlepool and you say, "Oh, are you from Sunderland?" They'll probably punch you. (I think if you anyone is from Sunderland and they're not from Sunderland, they'll be punching you out of offence.)DH: It's just baseline offence.RF: Yeah, exactly. But it's odd, it comes down to accents, I guess. They're all slightly different - I'm from the area and sometimes I'll listen to someone speak and be like, "I think you're from Middlesbrough... but I'm not sure!" They're all very slightly different. And people take a lot of pride in where they're from I think.DH: Yeah, that makes sense. And it was a question I asked to Bry... [Coughs] There's me coughing so much.RF: It's probably because we've been talking on and off for about three hours now trying to get this working! [Laughs]DH: My voice is coarse.[Both laugh]DH: So the thing I asked Bry and I guess it might be a slightly uncomfortable question. But I asked her and I thought it was really interesting. If you are from a place up North that has a very strong identity, did you ever feel any sense of guilt coming to the South and coming to London?RF: Coming to the old big city? No, not so much. I think there are kind of two types of people (and I don't think this is confined to the North, I think it's everywhere). I think there are two types of people, especially when you're from a small town or whatever: you are either in the camp of "This is where I grew up, this is where I'm going to die. I'm going to go into my Dad's business or my Mum's business or the family business or whatever. This is my life, this is where I'm going to be". Or you're in the camp of "I want to get out of here, I want to expand my horizons". I was very much Camp B, I wanted to go off and see the world and change everything... I didn't do that! Actually, I saw quite a bit of the world - but I never changed anything.DH: We could do with a bit of change now. [Laughs]RF: [Jokes in posh accent] Too right, sir![Both laugh]RF: But no, I never felt guilt. I felt... I tell you what I do feel, I get annoyed with little things down here that make me miss the North.DH: Sure.RF: So stuff like and you've been out with me before when I lose my shit about pub etiquette and bar etiquette. Up North, doesn't matter how busy the place is, if the barman comes to you and asks, "Do you want a drink?" The first thing you do is look left and right and make sure you were next in line.DH: Yeah.RF: Whereas down South, that just doesn't seem to be a thing. It's just like free for all!DH: Every man for himself.RF: Yeah, so I get little things like that where I'm like, "Oh, I miss the North!" And then I'll go home to visit my parents for a week and I'll be like, "Oh, I'm so glad I moved out!"[Both laugh]RF: Pub etiquette is not enough to make me want to move back! But yeah, I think there are some wonderful facets to the North and we kind of have this joke in my family, when I've gone up and I go back down, my Dad always says to me as I'm driving off, he'll always be like, "Remember to tell them it's grim up here, son!"[DH laughs]RF: This idea of "Just tell the southerners it's grim up North, so they won't fucking turn up!"DH: Yeah, that makes sense!RF: But there are some really, really lovely places. Me and my wife have been saying once this is over, there's loads of pretty castles and National Trust properties up North that we've just never done. I did them all as a kid, either on school trips or whatever. So I think once this lockdown is over, we'll be doing a little tour of the northern castlery.DH: Well that will be nice. And your family has quite close links to Scotland as well, right?RF: Yeah, so my Dad's Glaswegian... well... again, one of these family stories which is, "Is this true? I'm pretty sure it is!" He was born in Berkenhead near Liverpool and apparently it's because his Dad was down in London working on something (I think he was a rigger), and brought his heavily pregnant wife with him. And then when she started to go into labour, he was like, "You're not giving birth to my son in England - get back on the train!" And she got as far as Birkenhead before she had to give up and give birth![Both laugh]RF: So I don't know, we've got a lot of crazy, little stories like that that we're never quite sure if they're true or not.DH: Yeah.RF: But yeah, so one half of my family is from Paisley, just south of Glasgow in a little place called Linwood.DH: Oh that's cool. And you got married in Scotland, right?RF: We did, we eloped to Gretna Green.DH: And so tell us what's special about Gretna Green.RF: [Putting on historian, David Attenborough-esque voice] Well Gretna Green is very special because we've got to jump back in time, David. To a time where... I'm not keeping that up! [Switches back to normal voice][DH laughs]DH: Shifts so quickly!RF: Ridiculous choice and immediate no! Back in the olden days, I would say of a time when you would describe them as in fact ye olden days...DH: Oh wow!RF: That's how old we are here. You couldn't get married in England without your parents consent. However, you could get married in Scotland without anybody's consent. nd in fact, anybody could marry you as long as they... I think it's something like as long as they were an artisan or a craftsmen. If they were able to prove themselves as being a worthy member of their community.DH: Sort of a member of a guild or something?RF: Yeah, that kind of thing. So what a lot of young people in England used to do was just cross the border and go to the first establishment they could find and get married there and then come back over the border and it was totally and utterly legal to do. And so the first place that you come to when you cross the border is the lovely little town of Gretna Green. And there's the blacksmith shop that has been famously marrying people for centuries.DH: Oh wow!RF: So that's what we did. Except we eloped with our parents, so we kind of screwed that up a bit!DH: But they were on board. They supported the marriage.

RF: Yeah, certainly to our faces, yes! (God knows what they've said behind our backs!) But they've been fine!DH: The sort of public face of the marriage is going very well!RF: [Laughs] Yeah, the party line has been toed. No, they're great and Sasha (my wife), her parents and I, we all get on really well. So it's all lovely.DH: That's really handy! I get on well with Charlie's family, I don't see them that much but it's such an extended family - you sort of end up walking into a strange melee of people and then you just sort of find the other boyfriends! And I suddenly feel like I'm in a 90's rom-com!RF: Do you just kind of want to rip the sleeves off your shirt and be like, "Look, I've got muscles!"DH: Yeah and the amounts of times I end up just sort of talking about that I have no real interest in, but it seems to be a universally male, accepted thing that we talk about. You know, like what car someone's driving.RF: Yeah!DH: And I'm happy to just kind of play along like... I'm not not interested in it, it's just I don't really know why I'm talking about it! I wouldn't call someone and be like, "I saw this motor the other day, it was great!"[Both laugh]RF: Yeah, it is an odd thing. I assume women do it too, but maybe with... I don't know, this is probably a sexist thing to say but potentially different subject matters. But I think we always... we had to go to a funeral just before this lockdown stuff started. And Sasha was sort of guiding me through it being like, "That's my uncle, that's my cousin etc." But you do eventually find yourself in a corner on your own just being like, "Right, okay, here we go! Let's talk about boat building with this guy who owns a boat. Right, here we go. This is my next 20 minutes!" I think that's something that everyone does, that sort of like polite conversation thing that I think is very British.DH: It is every British. And we should move away from Britain for a second, because...RF: Well you'll be quarantined for 14 days if you do so![Both laugh]DH: Very true! So you wouldn't be able to do this thing now during a lockdown, because didn't you do a kind of crazy trick in Bedford Rascal?RF: Yeah I did.DH: When was that?RF: So I did what is called the Mongol Rally. You drive a one litered engine car from Hyde Park to Ulaanbaatar, the capital of Mongolia. So me and two of my friends got a Bedford Rascal for about £130, we patched it up as best we could and that's what we did. So you do it all for charity and we raised about £3,000 I think it was for two different charities. And it was incredible, I think it was 2008 I did it - something like that. And it was just the most amazing experience. We had a party in a castle somewhere in... was it the Czech Republic? We had a party in a castle at some point where there was an absinthe bar at the top of a tower.DH: Oh that's cool!RF: That was brutal!DH: I've just Googled it and it says that the distance is anywhere between 13,000 and 16,000 kilometres, depending on what route you take. It's far!RF: I think it's something like you drive around like a third of the... I don't know, I can't remember what the thing is. But you drive a fair portion. It took us a month to do.DH: How do you have supplies and stuff like that? Do you bring food with you or...?RF: People do it in different ways. There was a team that we ended up doing quite a bit of the desert part with, who we're still kind of on and off will text each other every now and then, they're good friends. He was a photo journalist and his friend... I can't remember what he did... I think he just maybe came along for the ride. But they were doing it very much on the cheap.DH: Right.RF: And that was the other thing - the photo journalist was vegan as well. So he was like, "I'm going to be screwed once we get into the Baltic states!" Because you know, everything's just meat and butter!DH: Yeah, goulash!RF: Oh I love a goulash! They had a Fiat Panda, which the best car to do the rally with. If anyone's thinking about doing the rally, do it in a Fiat Panda - because they've got a 4x4 system.DH: Oh wow!RF: There's a little trick for you. Do it in an old one, don't do it in a new one. And they had their packs with them and then in the boot, they had 10 kilos of dried pasta, 10 kilos of rice and like seven blocks of cheese! And that was it, that was their plan.DH: Wow!RF: I don't think it worked out - I think they got really sick of that after a while.DH: Yeah, you would!RF: So some people did that. We sort of resupplied as we went. Doing it in a Bedford Rascal, there was so much more that could go wrong with the vehicle.DH: It's quite top-heavy, isn't it?RF: Yeah, we nearly tipped it a couple of times which is terrifying. We did... did we... I don't know if we ever did it, but we were planning on actually tipping it before we left and then tipping it back to see if we could. But I can't remember if we ever actually did that. But yeah, we had a great time - we got shot at, there were like bullet holes in the car! We ended up having a night out with the mafia.DH: Oh wow!RF: And I got into a lot of trouble because I kissed a girl who turned out to be someone that I shouldn't have kissed. And then we were sort of chased out.DH: Is that where the shooting happened?RF: No, the shooting happened later on. The shooting happened when we were just going back into Russia - so you had to do this bit where you basically go through the bottom of this bit of Russia. I'll tell you what Russia looks like, it's very, very specific - but if you've ever seen a cut of chicken called the chicken supreme.DH: Yes, I have. Yeah.RF: That's kind of what Russia looks like: it's got that little bone at the bottom. And we had to cross along that, so we got shot at there by some bandits that weren't happy with us.DH: Some bandits?!RF: Yeah! That was fun!DH: Were they after your booty?RF: I don't know what they were after! Because the other thing, so at the time when it was happening - it's so odd - but at the time we were all laughing our heads off thinking it was the funniest thing in the fucking world. And in the mean time, there's like a pick-up truck with people shooting at our car with a pistol and we're just giggling our tits off. But then when we looked back on it, obviously we were like, "Why were we laughing? That was terrifying!"DH: Yeah.RF: And we were like, "What were they actually after?" Because they could have quite easily overtaken us and stopped us - our car, the Bedford Rascal is not renowned for its speed. Even when it was at its prime, it was not a fast vehicle.DH: Shall I Google "Bedford Rascal top speed".RF: Good lord! I reckon it's probably about 75, if you're going downhill!DH: Yeah, okay. I mean that's not even good.RF: No, no it's not good.DH: It says Bedford Rascal top speed is... it's sort of clocking in here... oh, there's a whole thing of Bedford Rascal reviews![RF laughs]DH: Car survey - someone, well it doesn't say... but someone has asked, "How can I get it over 50mph?"[RF laughs]RF: Yeah, that sounds about right!DH: Yeah, it seems to be like 50 or 60mph!RF: Oh God, it was so much fun! Imagine driving a 50/60mph all the way! It broke down before we got to the starting line in Hyde Park!DH: Good!RF: We had to... it arrived on the back of an AA lorry to the starting line!DH: And they let you compete still?RF: Oh yeah, absolutely. The whole thing about it is they don't allow you to use GPS. And it's about having an adventure, the company that run it is called The Adventurists. They do lots of different things, they used to do a drive from Hyde Park down to South Africa, down to Cape Town.DH: Okay.RF: They had to stop it because I think there was a band of countries that all bordered each other across Africa that at one point, were basically all at war with each other! So it was impossible to get from North Africa to South Africa without going through one of these countries. So they had to stop that. Although when we went, Georgia and Russia were firing rockets at each other!DH: Oh wow!RF: And there were a couple of teams that went through Georgia, one team that won the Spirit of the Rally award - a shell landed in the road right in front of them, blew up the road in front of them to the point where they were so close to it that they ended up driving into it. They couldn't stop in time.DH: Oh wow.RF: And so their car ended up in this hole in the road in Georgia. And they ended up managing to finish the rally which was incredible. But yeah, it's dangerous but it's fun. And you do have some experiences and you meet some amazing people.DH: Yeah, I imagine you have to be... I mean, that's a credit to you and your friends really - to being quite open and brave to kind of engage with it in its full spirit.RF: So there's a friend of mine that I made on another show, who is very... he's such a cool guy. Sam, if you're listening: that's you babe! He's really mechanically minded, he's a musician and he does all sorts of stuff, he's really cool. He said, Would you ever do it again?" And I was like, "Yeah, absolutely! It would be great to do it again and we'll put a team together!" Like the pair of us and go off, he can fix the car and I'll do nothing! And then I thought about it and I was like, "Do you know what? I would definitely do it again - but I would never take some of the risks that we took looking back." And I don't think it was bravery back then; I think it was just a combination of cheap vodka and stupidity![Both laugh]DH: How old were you?RF: Um... I think it was 2008, so um... 16?DH: Yeah, very stupid!RF: No, I must have been older than 16.DH: No, 2008 - 12 years ago, so you must have been about 18?RF: 18, yeah that makes sense. Because driving with an international licence, you have to be 18.DH: Yeah, you probably think you're bullet proof at that point anyway.RF: Mate, I think we might have been! The car certainly was! We ended up having to... [laughs] so the suspension totally shattered on it in Kazakhstan. And we took it to a mechanic and it was honestly like something out of a sketch show. We got it in there and there was four guys, sat around a white, plastic picnic table that was just... what wasn't covered in empty bottles was covered was covered in empty cigarette ash and butts and it was like, "Oh my God, what the hell is this?!" And they got up and they were like, "Yeah, we'll fix your car - no problem". And we explained what it was that was wrong and they were like, "Yeah, no problem". And we were like, "Uh, this is... what the hell's going to happen?" So we left it with them and then we went back and the guy showed us our car and he was like, "Car's fixed, all good - no problem" and we were like, "Oh great!" And then he went, "But maybe, small problem..." And we went, "Oh, okay - what small problem?" And he was trying to explain and he couldn't explain, so eventually to look at the engine - you had to tip the chairs back. So he just tipped the chairs back and he pointed to the accelerator cable and he was like, "Um, cable... um, we burn! Sorry, we replace."DH: Oh wow!RF: So basically what they'd done was welded through our accelerator or something - something had gone horrendously wrong! And so they replaced it with just some wire that they'd twisted up and then cable-tied to make it the right length!DH: Oh my God!RF: So that lasted about 30 miles!DH: So you just had no power, no gas?RF: No, what we ended up having to do was we had a small hole in the floor... which was useful! And one person had to lie in the back and put their hand underneath the car to get to the engine and pull on the caliper on the side of the engine, so basically do the job of the accelerator cable but with your finger!DH: Oh wow!RF: So that was an incredibly hot and painful job - we all burned our fingers off doing that! And we did quite well with that, we lasted quite a while. But the problem is is that we had no real control over how rich we were running the engine.DH: Sure.RF: So eventually we flooded it badly and it just conked out. So we ended up selling it to some very dodgy people that kind of made it clear that they were going to be using it for running drugs! So we were like, "Yeah, just have it!" [Laughs]DH: "The less we know, the better!"RF: Yeah, in fact do you know what? I think they ended up... this is me admitting to import fraud, but they ended up giving us $100 for it I think, which we used to try and buy a ticket on the trans-Siberian express to get us to Mongolia. And we got on it and we ended up going the wrong way.DH: Very good.RF: And very, very kindly, the conductor when we explained what had happened and he asked us what the three of us were doing and we explained the rally and stuff to him, he was like, "Oh that's really cool. Don't tell anyone - I'll send you back!" So we got to go back for free.DH: Oh cool, that's really cool.RF: Yeah, it's sweet.DH: So you were kind of 18 around this point. At what point did you start getting into music?RF: I've been in music for years before then. My Dad was in bands during the 60's and 70's, my brother is a professional musician and soon to be a doctor at music I believe, which is really cool.DH: Wow! Very cool.RF: So it's sort of always been in our blood, as it were. My Mum plays a mean kazoo!DH: Oh well, who doesn't? Well I suppose I don't want to undermine the kazoo - I imagine it's quite a hard thing.[Knocks at a door heard in background]RF: Oh, who's at your door?DH: There's someone at my door! I think I might have to stop the recording and pretend, then pick it up.RF: Why don't you just leave it running?DH: I'm going to leave it running and go to the door.[DH leaves to answer door]

RF: And I will regale the people. Right, so Dave's off. What do we reckon it is? I think it's going to be something for the computer, that's what I think. I don't know... let's try and play a game before he gets back. Oh he's back, damn!DH: Right, that was quick wasn't it? What were you trying to do?RF: I was going to try and think of a word that I was going to try and get you to say without you knowing, so then when you listened back it would be like, "Ha, you said the word!"DH: Okay, okay.RF: That's where I've got to in lockdown! That's where my creativity is.DH: Have you found that people who deliver stuff either knock on your door so quietly that it's imperceptible, or so loud as if they're trying to get into the house?[RF laughs]DH: I mean, it's crazy!RF: Do you know, it's because there's no training any more in this.DH: There's no door knocking training.RF: There's no etiquette. It's another thing that makes me miss the North!
DH: Door knocking etiquette!RF: Decent door knocking etiquette![Both laugh]DH: Now I've just looked at the time of the recording, because we aim to keep these about 45 minutes and we're on 33 minutes.RF: Oh God!DH: So what I might do is jump us forwards to the Questions from the Web.RF: Oh, exciting!DH: Which are questions that have been sent in via Twitter. But obviously this is a new section Rob, so we need another little jingle.RF: Oh... um... [Sings] It's time for Twitter Questiiioooons!DH: Again, very high! [Laughs]RF: Yeah, that's my default, that's my default I think!DH: I really liked it.[Both laugh]DH: Okay so, right I've got a couple but then I've actually got a couple more since yesterday. So we'll do a different variety of them. So Stephen Smith... or Stephen [pronounced with an 'f']... Steven [pronounced with a 'v']... Stephen? Which ever one you are, thank you!RF: Mr Smith!DH: Mr Smith asks: what is Rob's favourite make of guitar?RF: My favourite make of guitar? Um... it depends what I'm doing. At the moment I'm doing a lot with my Gibson Studio Custom, which I am really enjoying the feel of. I sort of grew up playing Fenders; I didn't get my first Gibson until about three years ago. So I've been enjoying that at the moment. If I'm doing anything kind of funky, then I'll bring out the Stratocaster because it's the funkiest thing in the world. And then if I'm doing acoustic, it's the Taylor GS Mini.DH: There you go.RF: Which is otherwise known as the Ed Sheeran guitar.DH: Oh, is it a good one?RF: Yeah, it's gorgeous. Mine's a Koa Mini, so it's made of koa wood. And the tone of it is absolutely stunning and it's so, so loud. It's surprising how much punch it packs for such a small guitar. I love that thing, I play that quite a lot actually.DH: And can you play the mandolin as well?RF: I do, I do play the mandolin. In fact the mandolin that I have is... at the back of it... so the current mandolin that I'm using I actually bought in New York when we were over on Broadway. And all the instruments that I bought while I was there, we ended up giving to charity because I couldn't fly them home... otherwise, I wouldn't have given them to charity willingly! Good lord![Both laugh]RF: But the mandolin I brought home and actually it's signed by everyone.DH: Oh cool!RF: So I've got a signed from the original cast of The Play That Goes Wrong mandolin!DH: That's very cool!RF: That's a piece of information. And I also played the hurdy-gurdy while I was out there.DH: Yes! I remember that!RF: Which was my way of making sure that I had some time alone, because I'd just start cranking it up and everyone would go, "Oh for fuck's sake!"DH: "We'll link Rob with the hurdy-gurdy!"[Both laugh]DH: Yeah I remember that, that was good. I like that instrument. So who else have we got here... we've got HayleyPineapple, Hayley's becoming a regular!RF: HayleyPineapple?DH: Yeah, I don't know if it's her real last name. Or she's a pineapple called Hayley?RF: Well there's only one way to find out. Is something living in her under the sea?DH: Yeah, is she actually in SpongeBob [SquarePants]? That's the question.RF: That's what we all need to know. That's my question for her, which I expect her to be on the podcast next week and you can ask her.DH: We'll do 45 minutes on where she lives! [Laughs] And if it's not under the sea, it will end very quickly![Both laugh]DH: She asks (I think I know the answer to this) but she asks: what is your favourite film that you can watch over and over again?RF: Well I can tell you straight off that I watched this film when it was on VHS so much that I wore the tape out and we bought it again! And it is Jurassic Park.DH: Yes, yes, I thought it might be.RF: Whenever someone says, "What's your favourite film?" It's one of those things where it's like well you've got to take Jurassic Park out of the equation, otherwise it's just what's the point in asking the question? You know?DH: Yeah. Really what you mean is what's your second favoruite film?RF: Yeah, exactly. Exactly.DH: What is your second favourite film?RF: Oh God... um... what is my second favourite film?DH: If I had to guess, I'd probably say it would be Top Gun.RF: I think it might have to be, purely because it's just the most... it's the weirdest film?DH: It is peculiar, isn't?RF: I still can't work out whether it was a joke or not.DH: I think it's... I don't know! [Laughs] They're bringing out a new one, aren't they?RF: I know, I saw with... he's an instructor at Top Gun.DH: Yeah and he's been there for you know 20 odd years. And it's it just called MAVERICK?RF: Yeah, it's called Maverick. And I think Val Kilmer is making an appearance back in it as well.DH: Oh nice!RF: I think Ice is back.DH: The Ice Man better come back. Okay, very good.RF: Can you remember when we went to see it for your birthday at the Prince Charles?DH: Oh yeah, you get it for like a quid!RF: Yeah! [Laughs]DH: Yeah, I really enjoyed that.RF: And we were all absolutely belting out "Highway to the Danger Zone".DH: It's such a tune! I've still got that soundtrack on my phone, it's such a good soundtrack.RF: I've desperately tried to get that into every single rock'n'roll panto I've ever done. Like everytime there's a dame entering and they're like, "Right, what song shall we do?" And I'm like, "Highway to the Danger Zone!" One year I will get it in.DH: It will happen. Or just even the bass opening and then it can go into a different song, but you just want to hear that.[RF imitates bass line]RF: You know that Kenny Loggins has done like three or four albums of kids music.DH: Oh wow!RF: Like story, kid stuff. That's what he kind of does.DH: I didn't know that.RF: Yeah, he's a very interesting man. For anyone listening, look him up! He's way more than just Top Gun and Footloose.DH: Well, we'll see if we can get him on.RF: Oh man! If you get Kenny Loggins on the show, let me know because I'm on board.DH: Yeah, we'll do a three-way.RF: A three-way? [Laughs]DH: A three-way Zencaster!RF: We're going to have a three-way with Loggins on air? Ah, someone's got to transcribe that![Both laugh]DH: Don't worry - everyone, even if you are hard of hearing, can still enjoy that sentence.[Both laugh]DH: Liz who is @ Litter of Coal 85.RF: Oh Liter of Cola! From America!DH: Oh yeah, look at that! I've read that so badly. Liter of Cola, I said litter of coal!RF: Yes. I remember that, I remember Liz. Hello Liz! I remember Liz.DH: Now Liz's photograph at the moment - it was her and Henry Shields, but now it's her and Alex Mandell who played Max on Broadway.RF: Ah!DH: So she's gone off us mate!RF: Mate, upgrade! What an upgrade!DH: She has said: what was it like composing music for The Play That Goes Wrong? Because you had to do that on Broadway, right?RF: Yeah, it was fun. I don't get the opportunity to score orchestral stuff much, so it was fun to do. So all the incidental music is mine, both here and... well, all over the world. All the stuff in the show is mine. But on Broadway, we ran into some issues that meant that I had to score the entire run-in or the entrance music.DH: Which was like 45 minutes, isn't it?RF: Yeah, that was fun! And you know what? I still remember, it took me however long to do and it was like sleepless nights trying to get it done and doing it all on the equipment that I had out there with me as well. So not having my usual things at my disposal. And I remember finally getting it done and getting it put in and being like, "Guys, it's in! Let's all go for a drink!" And you all went, "Eh... we can't. We're doing Dungeons and Dragons." And I was like, "Fuck you guys!"[Both laugh]DH: Yes! Yeah, we started playing D&D on Broadway. It became quite serious, but then it was very weird because we'd finish a show at like 10.00, and then we'd start and we wouldn't finish until 2.00! And you'd always be so tired![RF laughs]DH: I am very pleased for you.RF: Yeah, it was a lot of fun. I enjoyed doing that and the same for Peter Pan [Goes Wrong], I think me and Rich [Baker] are both quite proud of the stuff that we did for that.DH: Yeah, the music in Peter Pan is really lovely, it's really great music.RF: It's good to have on in the bath, for example.DH: Yeah or just in the shower while water is pounding round your ears![Both laugh]DH: Okay, we've probably got time for one more or maybe two actually, depending on quickly we can do it. Actually Liz also says: how is it playing Dewey Finn on the West End?RF: That was amazing. That was a role that I'd always, always wanted to do since it was announced that it was being made. And yeah, I loved every second of the show. It's just so much fun and also there's not many roles for fat, ugly people like that.[Both laugh]RF: You know, which is a blessing and a curse. Because the blessing is you're getting to do it, but the curse is that they go, "Okay, I know that you've been cast in this show because you're overweight. But while you're singing that top note, can you also jump off this desk?" And you're like, "Come on!"DH: Yeah, I mean I saw you do it and I saw the other guy do it. And it's a very sort of agile part and it's quite high energy and it's amazing, some of those notes are incredibly high as well.RF: So the guy that was in it... so there's a main and an alternate, I mean everyone that does it as far as I'm concerned is amazing (including me, obviously!) It's such a hard thing to do and there's a real kind of... not brotherhood because that sounds exceptionally wanky! But there is a real kind of, "You don't know until you've done it". But I always remember that Craig Gallivan, who was playing it when I first joined the cast, he just made it look like it was not a problem. And it was ridiculous how gracefully such a large man moved.DH: It's crazy isn't it when you sort of see those performances and you're just like, "Oh wow!" Has he either done it so much that it's just like second nature? Or is it just like a natural grace in his performance?RF: I text him after the first time that I went on, I text him and was like, "My body is killing me. How the hell do you do this five times a week?!" And he text me back and he said... No, I said, "How do you do this? What's your trick?" And he just text me back saying, "It's just that but another five times, mate!"DH: Easy money.RF: There's no trick to it!DH: You've just got to keep going.RF: But yeah, I absolutely loved that and I miss that show. It's going out on tour next year I think, with coronavirus pending.DH: Hopefully.RF: But sadly I will not be doing it. But it's great.DH: And finally for this Questions from the Web, this one is from DAISY THOMAS. I feel like you would know one of these, but she asks: what is your favourite conspiracy theory?RF: My favourite conspiracy theory...DH: Yeah. Do you know a conspiracy theory?RF: Yes!DH: I feel like, do you have many?RF: Well... I'll tell you one that comes to the top of my [mind], it's maybe not the most interesting but the one that comes to my mind straight away - there's a conspiracy theory in wrestling (because I am a fan of wrestling!)DH: Big WWE fan.RF: Big WWE fan, I'm still catching up on sleep from Saturday night - there was a big AEW Pay-Per-View that was astonishing. I recommend you go watch it, it's amazing. Um...[Both laugh]DH: There are so many plugs in this podcast!RF: You're not going to go watch it, I know you're not going to go watch it!DH: Yeah, my silence was enough!RF: But there's a great conspiracy theory that there's a wrestler called The Ultimate Warrior and he went away for a while, I think he got injured and he went away for a while. Then when he came back, wrestling fans were convinced that he had died and was now a different person.DH: Wow!
RF: And this went on up until like... I think up until he died for real, he was having to quash rumours that he has in fact already died.DH: Wow, what a strange thing to have to contend with.RF: It's such a weird thing, because the world of wrestling - there's a thing called kayfabe and kayfabe is the kind of story in the world of wrestling. So you can be like... in the wrestling story, you are kayfabe mad at somebody or you're kayfabe married to somebody or whatever. But in the real world, that's not true - you're actually best buddies and you're married to someone else. So kayfabe is the storyline of wrestling and back when this was all happening - you could not break kayfabe, you weren't allowed to do it. There's so many amazing stories from that time of wrestlers not breaking kayfabe to the point where there were two tour buses that drove the wrestlers to different events. One was for one group and one was for the other group of people they were feuding with.DH: Wow, to keep up the pretence?RF: Keep it up. So kayfabe was still alive and well at this point when the rumours of him dying were kicking about. And so I think that WWF (as it was back then), I think they really struggled with how to play with it because they were like, "Um... we can't admit that this guy's a real person. We can't say what his real name is and be like, "Look, he is alive!"" Because he doesn't have a real name, as far as everyone should be concerned - he's called The Ultimate Warrior. There's a really good documentary series on VICE called Dark Side of the Ring and even if you're not a wrestling fan, I think it's incredibly interesting. My wife Sasha can't stand wrestling and thinks that I'm an idiot for watching it, which is fair enough - most people do! But even she's watched a couple of bits of it and she's like, "What is this?! It's so interesting." And it's basically just stories kind of like this, conspiracy theories and little stories from the history of wrestling and it's amazing.DH: Yeah, that does sound really cool. And it is weird, isn't it? Because I was big into it when I was much younger. But I imagine the kind of secrecy that surrounds it and the kind of... how much you have to commit to that sort of dual life must be really strange.RF: Yeah, it's crazy. I mean now it's not so much, now it's...DH: Actors in a show?

RF: Yeah. It's called Sports Entertainment now and it's a whole different thing. You know you've got... you'll have wrestlers on panels that are like deeply feuding with each other in the shows, but then they're doing these Q&A's where they're sat next to each other and having a great laugh. And then someone will ask a question like, "How do you think the match is going to go on Saturday?" And there's still this kind of unwritten rule that no-one says it's fake, like no-one ever says... you're not going to ask a wrestler, "What's going to happen on Saturday?" and they're going to be like, "Oh well I'm going to drop the belt and this guy's going to win it".DH: Yeah.RF: It's always going to be like, "I'm going to kill him, I'm going to do whatever". And it's funny watching these guys be all friendly to each other on a panel, then as soon as someone asks a question about the match or the feud, they go into character. It's fun.DH: That's cool.RF: I think that's the reason that I've got into it again, I've had a Renaissance of wrestling if you will. It's because it's just a soap opera, it's a soap opera but with high flying ridiculousness. And it does hurt. Again, if you ever get the chance to be power-slammed in a ring (which I have had the chance to do and I took it and I will never do it again) - it fucking hurts, man!DH: Yeah, I got put through a table by a... not by a famous wrestler, but we used to have this wrestling tour - this small kind of fringe company used to come to Harlow when I was younger.RF: Yeah!DH: And I would play the clown who kind of came and setup hardcore matches and stuff, we used to have to do loads of stuff. But I remember once they setup literally like a pop-up ring in the town park for this big festival. And the guy who directing it called me and was like, "Are you in the town park today?" And I went, "Yeah" and he was like, "Oh, I need one of our wrestlers to take out an audience member. Can you come and do it?" And I was like, "Yeah, alright!" And I literally turned up and the director came up to me and I was stood in the audience and he went, "Okay, in about 30 seconds - he's going to point to you and then just come and grab you. Just do what he says." That was the entire prep that I had![RF laughs]DH: And I was like... oh sorry and he said, "When he points to you, like swear at him and call him names and stuff!" So I did it and he just came into the crowd and he just literally grabbed me over my shoulder and under my crotch and just in my ear just went, "Okay - here we go, mate!" And lifted me off the ground![RF laughs]DH: And I was like, "Well he's not really given me any instructions!" And he just slammed me into the floor. And it was actually fine, it took the wind out of me but it was okay. And then he picked me up by my hair and I kind of went with it and then he just whispered into my ear, he just went, "Straight into the pole". And just like swung me into the side of the ring and I had to get smashed into a pole! And so I was, "Oh, maybe that was my first experience of physical comedy!" Because I imagine it looked pretty amusing!
[Both laugh]RF: Ah man, it's so much fun. I love it! I think that anyone listening: give wrestling another chance. Do it, do it now.DH: Even though The Rock's not in it.RF: Even though The Rock's not in it, you don't need The Rock any more. I promise you, it's a totally different thing and people are doing some ridiculous stuff right now. There's a guy that's just... I mean he's quite a big guy anyway, but he's now over on one of the more mainstream shows called AEW, there's a guy called Brian Cage. And it's one of those things - if someone's called Brian, you're like, "Ha, alright. Okay..." And then you look at this man and you go, "Yeah... you can call yourself whatever you want, mate! You can be Brian!"DH: Giant, a titan.RF: Yeah, he is quite the man.DH: Well that is another plug for wrestling, this is great. We'll get loads of money![Both laugh]RF: I'm not plugging anything that I'm doing - just plugging wrestling, conspiracy theories and not using TalkTalk.DH: So finally, we have the quickfire section.RF: Ahhh!DH: As it suggest, this is quickfire. But can you give me a very quick Quickfire jingle?RF: Um... [Sings like a news report] DUH DUH DUH DUH DUH - QUICKFIRE!DH: Nice! Much lower.RF: I went low, because it's more serious.DH: Yeah. It is, very serious this one. So there's a couple of quickfire questions for you. And you know, I'm just going to say them - answer as quick as possible.RF: Oh God, okay!DH: Okay, here we go. What's your favourite colour?RF: Purple.DH: What's your spirit animal?RF: Tiger.DH: Who is most likely in Mischief to corpse onstage?RF: Um... probably me!DH: Nice. Is a Jaffa Cake a cake or a biscuit?RF: I don't care, it's food and I want it.DH: We already found out what your favourite film is - what's your least favourite film?RF: Um... [laughs] I can't say without offending people! My least favourite film is any of the Twilight series.DH: Nice. What is your favourite musical?RF: Oh... um... School of Rock!DH: Of course! North, South, East or West?RF: North, mate.DH: Nice! And finally, who would be the best Mischief person to be trapped on a desert island with?RF: Oh... um... I'm going to go for Henry Lewis.DH: Yeah, that would be good. Sort of an inventor?RF: Yeah, I feel like Hen would be the perfect foil to my manic energy. And he would make me be sensible and conserve water while I'd be like, "No Hen, we're stuck here. Let's make a pool!"DH: Yeah, that's good.RF: I think Henry Lewis would probably drown himself than be stuck on a desert island with me. But...DH: There you go, at least you'll have some food![RF laughs]DH: And actually finally, before we do the sign off - I'm going to give you another chance to plug something. You support a charity that's about the Scottish lynx, is that right?RF: Not any more.DH: Oh no! Then shall we not plug it? Shall we move on?RF: Yeah, let's move on!DH: Screw the lynx!RF: No, let's support the lynx but let's also support rewilding in a responsible fashion that listens to both sides of the stories.DH: Were they not responsibly rewilding?RF: Um... they were maybe slightly aggressively not listening to some concerns from farmers and landowners.DH: Okay.RF: A lot of farmers' concerns are... I don't want to say "not legitimate" because that's bad. But a lot of farmers' concerns are easily answered, but often not easily listened to. But also - there are genuine concerns that need to be responded to and need to be looked at. But yeah.DH: Okay. Well if you fancy supporting the links, find a sort of responsible...RF: Yeah, please do have a look rewilding. Aside from doing a Thanos and getting rid of half the population - rewilding is a really good thing to look at in terms of bringing back a steady ecosystem and improving the environment. It doesn't have to be just bringing back bears and wolves and lynx and all the cool animals; there are all sorts of smaller animals and insects. And even just the idea of rewilding some of the forests and rewilding some of the...[Police siren goes off in background]RF: Oh God, they're after me! Oh no, that was your end - you're okay.DH: That was my end.RF: You know, things like peat bogs and peat marshes and stuff like that, we should be looking into conserving and all that kind of stuff. All that hippy nonsense!DH: Very good. Rob Falconer - thank you very much.RF: Rob Falconer: hippy nonsense!DH: Rob Falconer: hippy nonsense, WWE, music, Bedford Rascal, all the above.RF: Abso-bloody-lutely!DH: Thanks very much for joining us.RF: No, my absolute pleasure.DH: And thanks to you guys for listening. If you've made it this far, congratulations - and keep following us on Twitter for all of our latest updates. Thanks very much.RF: If you want to follow me, follow me on Instagram - because I don't look at Twitter.DH: Oh, do you not?RF: No, I've got in my profile - I've put "Not monitored". But I think I should just pin a tweet saying, "I don't look at this".DH: Fair enough. What's your Instagram?RF: It's either RobFalconer or FalconerRob, I'm not sure...DH: There you go. Ladies and gentlemen, try both of those.[Both laugh]RF: Oh man... that means I've got to put some content up!